Here's my pitch for Batman v. Superman:
Cast:
-Lex Luthor- Patrick Stewart.
-The Penquin- Johnna Hill
-Batman- Ben Aflack
-Robin- Taylor Lautner
-Act I-
Lex Luthor is on FOX news, Bill O’Reilly’s No Spin Zone, ranting away about how dangerous that 'alien menace' is.
Luthor: “Superman and his kind just destroyed Metropolis. Thousands are dead. It's not the Mexicans we have to worry about, it's these damn 'real aliens' now.”
Luthor vows publicly to deal with this charlatan personally.
Meanwhile Superman is out saving people but breaking stuff and knocking down buildings on accident, just like he did in The Man of Steel movie. What an oaf.
Luthor, a ‘genius’, cooks up a scheme to bring Superman out into the open. He knows Lois Lane is close to Superman, she always has the best inside scoops on his exploits. So he uses his fame to trump up a treason charge against her for inviting the alien menace and not warning the people like she should have. At her trial Superman shows up to defend her. She is acquitted quickly, there was not much more to the charge than a lot of hot air.
After the trial Superman tries to talk to Lois...she is angry.
Lois: “Luthor is right you know? You destroyed this city. You think just because you can’t be stopped you shouldn’t stop yourself? I don’t care how super you are...you are no good for me ‘Kael’ or ‘Clark’ or whatever your name is. I never want to see you again...” She stalks off crying.
On the steps of the court house while Superman is addressing an angry mob, trying to calm them, the Penguin, in disguise, blasts him with kryptonite.
Superman is not killed but is temporarily reduced to human strength. He collapses. He cannot fly away, the mob outside the court house pelts him garbage and what not. They are angry.
“My wife died in the rubble...” “My brother lost an arm...” They are beating him to death. The Penguin and his thugs are in on the beat down.
That’s when Batman shows up in the Batwing looking cool as fuck. Robin swoops down on a zip line and picks up Superman, hoisting him into the Batwing. Batman, Robin and Superman all fly off.
-ACT II-
Alfred is tending to Superman in the Batcave. Superman looks so downtrodden, totally defeated. Batman and Robin are taking turns lecturing him on how to be a superhero.
Robin: “Seriously, any idiot is going to see you are Clark Kent. You don’t even wear a mask...”
Batman: “Why would you think Metropolis would ever want you back? You destroyed the place...”
Robin: “It’s obvious where your base in Antarctica is, it’s in the spot no satellites can get a look at before you destroy them...”
Batman: “Did you really think Lois would stick around? Are you crying ‘Super’man?"
Finally Superman has had enough. He thanks them for saving him.
Superman: “You’ll never have to worry about me again, I’m retiring. I just want to live a normal life. I’m not up to this.”
Batman and Robin are JUST FINE with that. Superman flys out of the Batcave putting a hole in the wall. Alfred, Robin and Batman just look at each other. Yes. They are seriously JUST FINE with this amateur quitting. Luthor is right, he really is too dangerous.
-Act III-
Luthor is on the news again taking credit for getting rid of Superman. Without his guidance that menace may have never gotten the point. He is not wanted. We are glad he’s gone. Many are not happy about it, including Bill O’Reilly, but Luthor has the momentum. He’s the savior of Metropolis in the eyes of many. The hero of the day. Even with his less than stellar reputation he parlays his fame into becoming mayor of Metropolis, even though the polls show he was behind.
Things are not going well in Metropolis under Luthor’s rule. Without a super hero around to keep things cool crime is out of control. Even The Penguin shows up and is making trouble.
So Robin (as Nightwing) comes over to Metropolis to investigate. Batman stays in Gotham to hold down the fort.
Robin quickly uncovers the truth. The Penguin is in league with Luthor. In exchange for free reign in Metropolis to commit crime the Penguin helped get rid of Superman and rig the mayoral election.
Robin is about to go public when Luthor has him killed...
-Act IV-
Batman is distraught and goes a bit nuts. He knows the Penguin had something to do with Robin’s death so he is blowing up buildings and rampaging around searching for the Penguin. Robin was always the subtle investigator, Batman is more about direct action and violence. It’s WWIII in Metropolis.
Luthor, fearing this destruction marks the return of Superman, kidnaps Lois Lane for leverage should Superman come for him.
Batman has captured The Penguin and is torturing him to death for information. The Penguin has just given up Luthor as the person who killed Robin. Batman is about to kill The Penguin when Superman shows up and stops him. Superman, as Clark Kent, found out about the kidnapping of Lois.
Superman: “Batman...we need to talk. Luthor has Lois. He also has the kryptonite, I need your help.”
Batman: “I know ‘Super’man. Go back to Kansas while the real men handle this. Luthor is going to die.” Batman stabs at the Penguin to kill him, his hand is stopped by Superman using his super speed.
Superman: “That’s enough killing Batman.”
Batman: “Stay out of my way!” Batman then unloads an entire arsenal on Superman.
Superman does not respond he just takes it. Choking gas, electric bolts, punches. Things that actually hurt Superman. The fight spills out into the street where Batman uses explosives he planted to try to bring down buildings onto Superman’s head. Superman saves the buildings and the people in the buildings. Batman pauses to ponder this new more careful, more caring Superman.
Finally Batman blinds Superman and makes it to the Batwing and flies off.
Superman recovers and flies right up alongside the Batwing, he forces it to the ground outside the city.
Superman: “That’s enough destruction Batman. No more death. We need to stop Luthor.”
Batman: “No more death? That from the man who destroyed this city? Yes, Luthor has to be stopped. He has to die. And I’ll be the one kill him.”
Superman: “No Batman. You were right. Robin was right. I cannot just do as I please. These people are my charge, I protect them. Like I protect Lois. I have failed in the past. But no longer. There will be no more killing in my city if I have anything to say about it.”
Batman ponders this...
-Act V-
At Lex Luthor Tower. Luthor has rigged an armored suit powered by the Kryptonite in his chest. He is wearing it, admiring himself, yammering on about how important he is. How he looks like Iron Man (wink).
Lois is chained to a post, like on the cover of a pulp (Conan) novel. She tells him he’s crazy. He’ll never stop Superman.
Luthor is looking at a wall covered with video monitors. Because every megalomaniacal bad guy needs a wall dedicated to this. He sees Batman and Superman entering the lobby of his building, beating up security, making their way to his penthouse.
Luthor: “Leave it to that overpowered knuckle dragger to take the elevator when he could just fly.”
Luthor waits in front of the elevator. When it opens he blasts Superman with a kryptonite blast from the chest of his armor and punches Batman in the face with his armored gauntlet, full force. They both go down. Helpless.
Luthor laughs and turns around to look at Lois. Gloating.
Luthor: “You see Lois. You can have all the power in the world, but superior intelligence and clarity of character cannot be defeated. I win. I always win. hahaahahah!”
Behind him we see Superman get to his feet. The camera goes close up and we see it is NOT Clark Kent at all. It’s Ben Affleck, fucking Bruce Wayne! It’s Batman wearing Superman’s suit. He was unaffected by the kryptonite beam. He shakes his head in disgust at Luthor's stupidity and bludgeons Luthor over the head, knocking him out...
Batman: “So smart you don’t even recognize who is who?! So genius you don’t think to include a helmet on this gawdy contraption?!!” Batman continues to rant, he kicks at Luthor, getting his blood up, he is about to bring his foot down on Luthor’s skull when Superman, wearing Batman’s suit, puts a hand on Batman’s shoulder.
Superman: “Bruce...the kryptonite. I’m too weak to stop you if you want to kill him. I can only ask you to stop. For your own sake, Robin wouldn’t want this.”
Batman: “I know exactly what Robin would have wanted. Do not tell me what he wanted....I’m keeping the fucking cape.” [cuz you can say ‘fuck’ one time and still be PG-13]
With that Batman jumps out of the window into the waiting Batwing and flies off.
Lois at this point starts complaining about being tied up, Superman unties her.
Superman: “Let me take this bat mask off, it’s so itchy...”
Lois: “No, I kinda like it, it’s sexy...”
Superman and Lois kiss and make up, because that’s how happy endings work.
--Roll Credits--
<During the credits you see news blips of Luthor being arrested and indicted for conspiracy to commit election fraud. The news casters who were his biggest supporters before are back tracking like they never liked him at all. Bill O’Reilly is yapping like he was right all along, and this time he was.>
--After Credit Easter Egg--
On a beach somewhere tropical two ladies are sunning themselves on the beach. One dark exotic looking lady looks over at another light skinned exotic looking lady.
Amazonian: So they say this Superman guy is pretty strong.
Wonder Woman (Played by Katee Sackhoff): Yeah? We’ll see...
